"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize