Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
