i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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