this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
