they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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