I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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