Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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