Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
