New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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