I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
