and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
