No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
