just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
