the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
