Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize