and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
