Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
