When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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