If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
