Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
