another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
