Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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