i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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