Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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