I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize