Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
