If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
