Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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