Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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