I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
