What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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