apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
