I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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