She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize