While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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