We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
