Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
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