whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
