I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
