my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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