My first STD was from a foam party
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
