I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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