awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Sorry my hands just texted you
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
