I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
