So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I stole a fireplace last night.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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