Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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