Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Randomize
