quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize