I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
