If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
