I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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