She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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