Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
