if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
