it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
