i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Couch. On fire.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
