his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
