i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
